A Book That Changed My Life As A Woman

 A discussion on learning to say NO, the male gaze, people-pleasing and what really matters.

In light of the tragic events surrounding the death of Sarah Everard, I, like many others, have found myself reflecting on my position in society as a woman, and the material that has shaped me in becoming the woman I am today. In doing so, I found all of my reflections largely stemmed from one thing…. 

I would not be the woman I am today without this book and I don’t say that with a light heart.

Written by the goddess herself, Florence Given’s ‘Women Don’t Owe You Pretty’ is, as far as I’m concerned, easily placed on a pedestal with the Bible, no blasphemy intended. I purchased this in Urban Outfitters when I was 18 after years of following Florence’s Instagram page and being in absolute awe of the beauty, but also the significance, of the messages and quotes that make up her feed. I definitely couldn’t have discovered this at a better point in my life, after such a whirlwind year and a rollercoaster of emotions and experiences, I finally took the plunge in an attempt to re-evaluate who I really was and equally, what I wanted to get out of my life- it prompted the wake-up call I needed.

The first chapter is literally cited as ‘Feminism Is Going To Ruin Your Life’ and I’ll tell you for free, once you have read this book, you will not be able to take those goggles off. Don’t be fooled by the gorgeous aesthetic, this book is hard-hitting and if you don’t feel at all uncomfortable when reading it, you’re doing it WRONG. Go back and read it again and I mean really read it- take it all in. 

Three Lessons Florence Given Has Taught Me:

First and foremost- let’s talk about this elephant in the room…

Eventually, you will be miserable if you spend your whole entire life doing things that please other people. I can’t count the number of times I lost pieces of my personality in relationships and friendships and you know what, I’m not really about that. 

I am determined to make a very happy life for myself- I will dance around my room listening to my ABBA records (side-note: you’re bad vibes if you dislike ABBA), I will purchase bright orange silky trousers purely because I’ve not seen anyone else wear them and I WILL wear Doc Marten platform boots on a night out because fuck heels, honestly. 

There was a long period when I didn’t make time for the things that I loved and enjoyed, and guess what…the only person who ended up missing out was me. Like seriously, why did I do that. 

Life is far too short to not take every single chance you have, even if that means walking over a bridge just because it looks fun or sitting on a bench because as benches go, it looks pretty groovy. Make sure that every-day you do not go to bed with the slightest trace of an ‘I wish’ in your head.

 Stop replying to the people you don’t like. Stop making time for people who don’t add any value to your life. Wear whatever you want and bloody own it girlies (+ boys if you’re reading). Don’t compromise your standards with the people you allow into your life, just because your mates think they’re a decent person. I could go on and on but I don’t want to bombard you with a novel on a Sunday evening, so will try & keep it short and sweet.  

Numero 2- Relationships shouldn’t matter but let’s be honest, it’s something we all think about…

15 lines was all it took to completely transform my entire view of relationships and love.  

Being single is NOT a tragic state of existence; it is, in fact, a choice…your choice. It took me longer than it should have to embrace that, but I can confirm that once you vibe it and really, really dig on it *cheeky TikTok reference*, you set yourself up the thrive. I have never felt more myself than I have in the past few weeks. 6 months ago, writing this and actually putting it out there for people I know to see would have completely terrified me. I would’ve cared if people thought I was weird for doing so. Imagine that- I am embarrassed to say I cared that much what people thought to say the least… 

 As women, we’re compelled to dress for men, act in ways that please the male gaze and if we’re single, to constantly be on the lookout for our next relationship. I just want to take a moment to say FUCK THAT, loud and proud.  

Your value and worth as a woman has absolutely nothing to do with your love life. In fact, I have made a conscious effort when having conversations with friends to stop asking how their relationships are going or if they’re eyeing anyone up because actually what relevance does it have to anything meaningful or significant? Of course, if they mention that to me or need some advice, I’m not going to walk off in the opposite direction- I just don’t want those conversations to stem from anything I’ve said because quite frankly, there is so much more out there to talk about…

I have blitzed my TikTok FYP and completely rinsed the ‘not interested’ button so that I have completely obliterated it of any relationship, love and boy-related videos- it’s a big no thank you from me & would highly recommend doing so for others. I am however still here for all of the Gemma Collins reactions and Joe from the Test and Trace videos as in my opinion, that definitely adds a bit of spice and value to my life.

Last but not least- Nice Guys? Yeah right…

Too many things have been normalised and that doesn’t mean they’re normal. For instance:

1. I should not experience fear on a walk by myself in broad daylight, or when a man is walking behind me or driving past me.

2. Men in their work vans blasting Kisstory have no business slowing down to drive past me, honking their horns, waving or jeering at me.

3.     I should not have to phone my friend because there is a mysterious man following me on my walk.
4.     Unsolicited dick pics.
5.     The guys who stroke your legs and put their arm around you in a bar on a night out…did I ask?????

As a society, we have accepted these and many more as common instances. Everyone and their dog can name a girl who can relate to one, if not all of what I have listed above.

Why? Why are we normalising discomfort, anxiety, powerlessness and fear in the male presence? Nobody deserves to feel unsafe in their own body. And strangely enough, ‘the boys’ who are being very vocal about ‘not all men’ are the same ones we saw in bars last summer moving like predators.

 Every single boy I’ve met who’s called himself a ‘nice guy’, funnily enough, hasn’t actually been that nice. How bizarre. (On a real one girlies- if you’re talking to a boy who says he’s a ‘nice guy’, grab your things and run, leave the country, do what you have to do…) I am by no means saying that all men are awful and that their entire race must be eradicated. No sir. I am saying that there far too many men who are remaining silent regarding the abundance of women coming forward about their experiences of assault, harassment and times where a male has made them feel unsafe. Men, if you are tired of hearing ‘all men’, change it. 

 I think if there’s something we can collectively take from the events of the last week is that we must be vocal. Change isn’t comfortable, but neither is feeling unsafe on a walk by yourself and it’s clear to me which one is worthier of discomfort.