Let’s Talk…Body Image

An honest chat about weight fluctuation, the impact of social media, losing control and some home truths.
*Trigger Warning* This blog post contains references to weight loss, calories, body dysmorphia and everything in between. I have decided to open up about my experiences with the above so that other girls (or boys!) can hopefully relate to this, with the hope that it may even help some people. If you are affected or triggered by such references, please do not read this post as I will be going into quite a bit of detail.
 
On a more light-hearted note, this post is a long ol’ one so grab a cuppa, or a G&T and get comfy…
 
Over the past year, whilst there’s not been a lot going on in life, there has most definitely been a lot going on in my head. In particular, I (and I’m sure many others) have really felt a strain on my mental health as a result of copious lockdowns and from that I’ve found that issues with my body image have manifested, which is something that I’ve only recently come to fully understand. I wanted to share and discuss all things body image because after talking to some of the lovely ladies in my life about this, I feel that I am not alone and it is slowly but surely becoming a collective problem. Not good vibes luvs…
 
Let’s Start From The Top…
To give this post a bit of context, I thought a good place to start would be to get you clued up on all things ‘me’. Crossing my fingers and toes that nobody reads this and thinks ‘Christ, ‘pick me’ attitude ALERT’…I think when talking about a topic like body image, it can be really reassuring to hear other people’s stories, not just to give the post a bit of perspective, but also just in case any of the girlypops out there can relate. Of course, please do bear in mind that everyone is different, and actually something my bestest friend drums into me is that even if we all ate the same and did the same amount of exercise, our bodies would still look different. 
 
As a child growing up, I was always very skinny and scrawny, and my bones were very pokey and stickey-outy…you get the picture. I only really gained weight and filled out a bit when I was around 16, and even then, it was questionable as to whether the two little lumps of fat on my chest really qualified as boobs. I must’ve been blessed with a very fast metabolism because I would give your typical gym lad in bulking season a run for his money with the number of calories I would get through. When I was in college, I continued to eat so much sh*t…takeaways, desserts, choc, you name it- I would be eating it and even better for me, I would still be slim. Winner…. 
 
And I do hold my hands up, I didn’t really do any exercise- I was up on my feet a lot, but exercise was virtually non-existent and I genuinely never really thought about it either. You could say I was blissfully unaware. Because of this, I would probably pinpoint this time as when I had the best relationship with my body- I wasn’t unhappy with it by any means, I didn’t really think about it too much which is definitely a state of mind I envy now. 
 
Over the first lockdown, I began working from home which was a big lifestyle change. It meant that I was sat down pretty much all day and as I was working pretty much full-time, I did enjoy a cheeky snack or five. Biscuits and tea all day every day. I was also definitely eligible for a Guinness World Record in gin consumption. Whilst this was bloody lovely, after a few weeks of minimal exercise and maximum eating, I did gain weight. Don’t get me wrong, I was by no means close to being overweight, but I did go up a dress size and started feel a bit chubbier in places where I hadn’t been before. This left me feeling not so great about myself and I really started to dislike my body. I definitely didn’t need to feel this way but with all things lockdown thrown into the mix, I found it to be a tricky time.
 
From realising that, I gradually began to cut out all of the snacks and anything that I knew was super unhealthy. I stuck to having 3 good meals a day and in a sense I’m quite lucky that I’m a fussy eater; I tend to eat a lot of the same meals, so I was able to maintain consistency in what I was doing. I began walking more and was gradually able to increase the distance. Big thank you to all of the girlypops I’ve dragged out for a walk come rain or shine. For those of you who want to get into walking, I found that doing so with a friend to begin with made it so much more enjoyable…bringing out a coffee, wearing a cute outfit, exploring new places…I just luv it.
 
Now I’m able to walk a lot more often (and further!) by myself- building a walk into my daily routine has been so beneficial on a physical and mental level. It makes me feel good to get those steps in but is also a good time to catch up on podcasts (The Girl’s Bathroom…get on it), listen to choons and have a general ponder about all things life.
 
In September I joined the gym again, which on top of eating better, helped me to build regular exercise into my routine and at the time, I felt very healthy and happy with myself. However, as the weeks and them months progressed, I found myself pushing myself harder and harder. Initially, this felt great but actually it meant that I was a left with a bit of a guilt complex, whereby I felt guilty when I didn’t go the gym or didn’t hit a calorie target on the treadmill.
 
As we went into the second lockdown, I began to grow increasingly worried about all things weight, calorie intake, calories burned etc. On this, I was really debating how honest to get in discussing myself and my own relationship with food; I’m a bit of an over-sharer, but I am also conscious of the impact my words could have on others. With this in mind, between now and then, I’ve really worked on my relationship with food. It isn’t perfect by any means, but it is definitely a lot better. 
 
I found that after struggling with this topic over the past year, there is SO much I could say about it and I felt that it was a good one to address as I’m by no means the only girly in this situation. Crossing my fingers, toes and whatever else I can that there is something useful in here for everyone, even if it’s just increased awareness. I say ‘just’ increased awareness, but actually that’s quite an incredible thing in itself and more than just a step in the right direction.
 
Things I Wish Somebody Had Told Me….(Hence why I’m telling you)
1.     Something nobody really told me is that when you lose weight more often than not, your boobs disappear off the face of the planet. I was never particularly blessed in the boob department, but I sometimes sit and question whether I am a 19-year-old woman in the body of a 12-year-old boy. Boobs…where are you luvs? Google has definitely noticed an increase in ‘boob job’ searches from me but what you do…time are tough and there’s a credit crunch on, Stace. If you don’t get that reference, quite simply get out luv. 
2.     WARNING- This next one might sting… Nobody ever talks about how you can literally starve yourself silly and still not end up looking how you want to. I definitely learnt this one the hard way, which I’m going to turn into a good thing, because at least it means that you don’t have to. I went through a very sad time of really restricting myself with everything I ate and being very frustrated because whilst I was losing weight, I still didn’t have the body that I wanted in mind…and this is because very simply, my body is not built that way…and that is okay. I tend to hold most of my fat around my thighs which therefore means, no matter how little I eat, I am never going to have stick thin thighs, which may sound obvious to you, but I didn’t believe it until I saw myself lose weight everywhere else but on my thighs. And then when I did lose weight on my thighs, I ended up hating the rest of my body because I was too thin. It’s a dangerous game and equally a losing battle. Being aware of the body type I have and specifically looking towards women like this on social media has really changed the game for me. I don’t think we’ll ever fully stop scrolling, but we can definitely control what we’re scrolling through and being conscious about who and what we’re looking up to can advertently have an impact on the relationships we hold with ourselves. Whilst I would love to not feel a giant at 5 foot 7, looking at girls who are 5 foot 2 isn’t going to make me any shorter. BRB whilst my heart breaks….joking. 
3.     Weight loss goals are seen as being synonymous to the gold at the end of the rainbow. But nobody ever talks about what happens when you find the gold, when you run off into the sunset…nobody talks about what happens after the happily ever after. And that’s because there isn’t one. You don’t just hit a number on the scales and all of a sudden…whoosh, all of your insecurities disappear. Because actually, once you get into the habit of picking out things you don’t like about yourself, it’s very hard to break. Dieting is extremely addictive and it is unbelievably easy to get ‘hooked’ on the idea of cutting down your calories until all of sudden you’re seeing how far you can push it until something goes wrong…let’s stop right there. It is far too easy to lose control. When do you stop?
4.     If your Tiktok FYP is saturated in ‘what I eat in a day’, ‘how I lost weight’, ‘how to be in a calorie deficit’…you know the vibe…then quite simply, Tiktok is ruining your life. Naturally you will sit and compare yourself to the people you watch and that, combined with hours of scrolling, is a recipe for disaster luvs. Something I would really urge you to do is stop scrolling…and on the topic of social media, stop looking for images you know will trigger you. Only you know if what you’re exposed to is hindering or harming your progress, and you might not be ready to admit if it is, and that’s okay too. Give the ‘not interested’ button a go and watch it change your life.
 
Wanna Yo-Yo On The Scales? Weight Fluctuation...
Once again, I took something too far…shocker. That is something you’ll learn about me- I’m either on something like a rash or completely disinterested, done, finite. Moderation isn’t in my vocab. Doing everything in extremes though? Heeeelllloooooo….
 
If I could give you one piece of advice…stop looking at the number on the scales.
 
If that’s caught you too late, don’t stress luvs, I’ve still got you covered.
 
It is SO important to remember that your weight can be impacted by so many different factors so please, take whatever that number is on the scales with a large pinch of salt and then some.
 
When I’m on my period, not only am I incredibly bloated (I would give a pregnant lady a run for her tummy money), but I also hold more water weight and therefore I naturally weigh more during this ungodly time of the month. Feeling like I weigh about 10 tonnes goes hand in hand with that…welcome to the world of period pain. It is normal to feel a bit more squishy and jiggly during your time of the month. It is also normal to feel hungry around this time and therefore it is completely normal to eat more.
 
You naturally gain weight throughout the day due to your liquid and food consumption. You can also eat the same amount of food every day and still weigh differently on each day. My weight’s gone up and down by the kilograms, despite not eating or exercising any differently. 
 
Where it’s a sensitive topic, tracking your weight isn’t something I’d want to necessarily recommend, but for some people I know it can be really beneficial, especially if you’re having a lifestyle overhaul or just wanting to shift or gain a few pounds. What I would recommend is having a set day and even more importantly, time, where you choose to step on the scales. However, if weighing in isn’t your thing, as it’s definitely not mine, just seeing how clothes fit you can also be a great way to track your progress. Whilst clothing sizes (annoyingly) are still incredibly varied across and within different brands, using items you already have and are familiar with in your wardrobe work a treat and can make for some great before and after piccies if that’s what you’re going for…
 
A Lil’ Message From Me to You…
From the bottom of my heart, I hope that you learn to let go of the opinion of other people who don’t add value to your life, or the idea that in order to be successful or attractive, that you must look a certain way.
 
There is no set way you need to look, or a set size that you need to be; being ‘attractive’ is subjective and a social construct and that actually there are a million and one different ways you can be seen as attractive. And that something you hate about yourself is something that somebody else wishes they had. 
 
On that note in particular...being ‘attractive’ is great but in the grand scheme of the world and your life and the universe, it actually means nothing. How you look really has no relevance to anything meaningful at all. That isn’t to say that it’s a bad thing to care about your appearance- I certainly do and really enjoy the process of getting ready…more just that your appearance is one small part of who you are and as hard as it can be, and I’m definitely guilty of this, it’s not worth stressing about or losing sleep over.
 
Something that really helped me to let go of such worries was to sit back and think…when you walk past someone in a shop, chat to your colleague at work, glance around a pub…how much are you really looking at their appearance? You don’t. You may think they have a nice smile or a good outfit, but how often would we ever sit there and make judgements about how somebody looks? Sometimes it can be really helpful to seek perspective just from seeing things from the other person’s POV.
 
Happiness looks and feels different to every person and each person has a different idea of what it means to feel alive. There is no correct way to be. Comparison is the thief of all joy. I hope you learn to let go of the parts of you that make you feel small or unworthy. I hope you feel able to be completely and unapologetically yourself without being tainted by the opinions of others.
 
The relationship you hold with yourself inadvertently affects each and every single thing you do. It is also the one relationship that remains a constant throughout your whole life. If you don’t have a good relationship with yourself, that will have an impact on everything around you. Ladies, if you’re going to throw yourselves into a relationship and embark on a journey of ‘fixing’ and ‘changing’, at least let it be for the one you hold with yourself.